Completely sad tonight..

Recently I blogged that I would be MIA from here due to some family issues. Sara is the only one I have confided in. She has been such a great support and friend to me and for that, I am so grateful to her.

I have been trying to deal with it internally, which has in turn made me very depressed. I have decided to blog about it, not for sympathy from anyone, but rather to just get it out of my heart and head.

My father, who is my best friend has been battling a rare form of cancer. It is called Angio sarcoma. It is in the bone marrow. They have found 3 lesions so far. Two of them are in the lower part of his spine and a very large tumor has eroded his jawbone. The one in his jaw is so large that he can barely speak and his jaw has unhinged. He can no longer eat any food and has been put on all fluids. (which he is not doing well with) He has been going to his Oncologists office almost on a daily basis so he can be re hydrated with fluids.
It has been a nightmare for my family and him. He was such a strong man. He has wasted away over the last 2-3 months since he was diagnosed. He was around 260 lbs and is now bordering the 160's. That is so much weight in just a few short months. On his good days, he'll get on the phone and say hello to me and at other times, he doesn't know who I am.

They were going to do surgery to remove the tumor and destroyed jawbone so he could eat and gain his strength but, the surgeon changed his mind. He wants him to begin chemotherapy to try and shrink it first. My oldest brother and I are not on board with his plan because of his physical condition. We both feel that he is much to weak at this point. I think my dad has just gotten tired of fighting. He is terrified of dying just as we are of losing him. We are trying to support him and whatever decision he makes but, it's hard. I want so badly to scream at him but, how do you yell at someone who is dying?

He saw his Oncologist today and they decided to begin chemo tomorrow. He will go every Tuesday for the next 3 weeks, then a week off and then back to 3 weeks on and then they are going to repeat all his scans to see if it's worked. I am trying to be optimistic but, again, this is a struggle. I have been trying to talk him into going with some holistic remedies too. Which he feels is crazy medicine. It has been proven that hemp oil cures terminal cancer as well almost every other ailment on the planet. Granted, it extremely illegal because all the pharmaceutical companies would be out of business and, we know the government won't allow that. You can make hemp oil yourself but, it's dangerous if you don't know what your doing. (and you need to be able to get your hands on quite a bit of weed) A pound can usually get you 1-2 months worth of oil.

The doctor has been telling us that although the mortality rate with this cancer is not very good in black and white, she feels that she can help him. I was believing that until I found out he was told today he is stage 4.

I went through this cancer shit with my mother many years ago. She had breast cancer. She has been cancer free for a long time now. She has been helpful in explaining what he is going through. Something I don't think anyone can really know unless they have lived it.

If anyone has any helpful info to share with me, please do! The more informed I am, the better I tend to feel.